Thursday, December 11, 2014
Is the monster and its maker both evil? "California dad kills self, two children by slamming his car into a big rig truck."
This article is making the case for prevention. What made me to even read this article were these words, “We all knew he was going to snap eventually." New York Daily News wrote, “Alan Edwards,involved in a bitter custody battle, plows his Honda Accord into the back of a parked tractor-trailer truck. Children Eric, 9, and Alona, 5, died instantly with their father. No one was wearing a seat belt, authorities said.” I read about men snapping all the time. Mayweather’s friend, Earl Hayes just killed his wife and himself in an apparent murder suicide when he caught her cheating. While we may blame both men, there are lessons we must learn as a society. The most precious of them all is prevention. It is generally accepted that prevention is better than cure, but I will even say that prevention saves more lives than cure. Would you like to know how these two deaths could have been prevented?
Well, I will start with Mr. Edwards’ case. People should be counseled to avoid acrimonious divorces. If you know anyone who is involved in a bitter divorce, you should tell your own person (if you love them) to let some details go. A guy once told me that he would kill his wife, kids and himself if she attempted to keep away the children from him. I asked him how many kids he was born with. I asked him if he believed that children ever forget a good father. After a brief silence, he replied, “Rev, you are right, that is why you are a man of God.” What about the woman. Would her actions be endangering her own life because she is trying to use the kids to hurt the man? Every time one spouse involved in a divorce custody battle is trying to use the kids against the other spouse, they should know that they are throwing caution to the wind and destroying all the prevention breastworks, and that will only leave her and the kids (she pretends to love so much) in danger. I have seen parents take a child and run away with him/her or just kill themselves and the children to pay back the spouse. Those are preventable murders. Every monster has a snapping point limit. When people talk about prevention, others are quick to point fingers that the perpetrator was a monster. Yes, he is a monster, but we could prevent the monster from eating us and the kids. Couples must learn that the longer the custody battle, the more the acrimony builds up.
A young man told me one time about his wife trying to take his car from him. He told me that she will only take it over his dead body. I smiled and asked him if the car was worth his life or that of his wife. Would you like your child to be driving in a bad car? He said, “I just don’t want that witch to drive in that car.” I asked him if his life was going to end if he did not have that car or if he could give his life in exchange for the car. I told him that he must prevent evil from settling by letting her take the car. He did and the divorce went very smoothly.
When a man like Earl or Alan does a thing like this, we cannot just blame him as the monster; we must blame the woman too who contributed to the acrimony as the monster because the monster and its maker are both evil. The type of intransigencies that many people exhibit during divorce makes me wonder if they truly loved their own lives. Sometimes you see a woman contesting to take 50/50 when she had no hand in contributing to the wealth buildup. After some time, you hear that she is dead.
I remember a Nigerian nurse who was involved in a bitter custody battle with the husband. She wanted to take the house, the cars and the kids. The man pretended to make peace, and they reconciled. He took her and the kids for vacation to Nigeria. While on vacation, armed robbers came and killed only the wife in broad day light in front of the man, the kids, the relatives and the onlookers. It was clear that the man had set it up, but there was no way to prove that he did it. Six months later, he remarried. Would you say that she had no hand in her own death? You can call the man a monster as you want. If she had accepted to take only one house and one car and leave the man with the rest, she would have still been alive today. In our quest to take all, we may end up taking nothing. In America, the woman disappears or is killed in some mysterious circumstances. Who again is the monster here?
In Earl’s case, both Earl and his wife could have prevented it this way. She should have stopped cheating, rather than claiming that it is her life, so she has the right to do what she wants. By ignoring the husband’s feelings towards her evil, she endangered her very self. If her husband could not sleep because of what she was doing to him, she too could not sleep for fear of what he could do to her. On the other hand though, I do accept that the marriage bed is sacred, but I also know that there is no diminishing returns because someone else dipped into the theobroma cacao or sucked nectarine from the straw. That is why no one can make restitution in sexual sins; you only ask for forgiveness which is acceptable for at least 490 times a day. How many times did Earl forgive his wife’s adultery per day? The society must drumbeat forgiveness as a bedrock in marriage and even life.
Therefore, we should beware the way we treat people; we could either bring the monster or the Deus Ex machina out of them. The choice is ours to make and not them. When we will refrain from making people monsters, then we will have our peace too. Until such times, our evil actions are a danger not only to our enemies but also to our own ourselves.
Until then, prevention saves more lives than cure.
St Arrey of Ntenako.
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