Monday, November 25, 2013

All Human Beings Walk With Shit.



When I was a teenager, I loved a girl. I never wanted her to know that I was going to the latrine to shit.  It was as if she never shits. Then one day, while we were walking home from school, she asked me to hold her bag so that she could run into the bush and shit. Westerners can not understand that in the Third World we sometimes run into the bushes to shit. Well, do not say that you have never learnt anything new from me; you just learnt this one!  As I delayed, she dropped the bag onto the floor, ran into the bush, and she began to shit. I could hear her fart, and it was like little petards, papapapapapapraaaahh. I listened again and heard this time a louder sound, poom paaap! It was not only her problem or mine; it is the problem of all human beings. I mean, every human being shits. Therefore, every human being carries shit in his or her stomach. I have tried to wonder whether God created Adam and Eve with shit, or it was after they sinned that they started carrying shit. Well, I will not bother about that. I will just explain why you and your friends carry shit and "are full of shit."
One day, a friend visited me and asked to use my restroom. After he finished, I went into the restroom to piss. The stench was like the stink bomb. As if he had contaminated me, I followed suite and was delighted with how I did mine. You know, I looked down and mine was huge. I said to myself, “Boy, this is huge! Did I really do this?” My mind wondered from the previous day diet to see why my shit was that huge. It was really very huge. I really like to look at my shit every time I finish shitting, yet I am always surprised that all that shit came out of my small stomach. That is because the human being does not know how much shit can come out of them. I remember how I exchanged some hot debate with a certain participant on the internet. I could not believe that I wrote everything that was there. It was mean and despicable. I thank God that the forum deleted everything. You do not even know the shit that can come out from you.  
I really like it when I am shitting because it feels good to shit. It would not seem as if something bad was coming out; it actually feels as if something beautiful was descending from my stomach.  It keeps coming out that I want to keep shitting, but then I had emptied my entire bowels. I am not aware if it was smelling hard too, but I do remember that it was huge. You see, you shit and when you do, it stinks and then it is huge too at times. Sometimes you shit like baby food and other times, you shit like little stones or palm kernels falling off the windmill. I mean, I have shit all kinds and seen all types too. Other times, I shit, and it will take me like two days to recover because it was huge, strong and hurtful on my anus. If I was a bird, I know on whose head I will shit, or if I was a dog, I know on whose yard I will surely and daily shit. Yeap, you heard me well! Look, don’t lift your nose as if I am the only one who shits. This is one thing all of us have in common. Sometimes you have shit and it has refused to be buried, so you solicited the help of a plunger. Boy, by the time you finish reading this article, you will be a specialist in conjugating the verb "to shit". 
My friend, despite you walking with shit in your stomach, you still think that you are too important. Look, right now that I am talking, you are carrying shit. It is there in your stomach, and it is there in our stomachs. Look, you don’t want to hear about it. That is because you are a hypocrite. You can run, but you cannot hide. You carry shit in your stomach. Listen, be it Obama, Putin, Merkel or the Pope, they all carry shit in their stomachs. Perhaps because they eat a lot of delicacies, their shit even stinks more than mine because I don’t always have something to eat. Their anuses even stink too. They stink because of the shit particles left there. No matter how you clean yourself, you still have that shit in you.
Rich people like Bill Gates, Zuckerberg and popular people like Lady Oprah or beautiful people like Amanda Seyfried or Halle Berry all carry shit in their stomachs and their anuses too stink. I want you to picture their stinking anuses. I am picturing a stupid judge now sitting in court  with his stinking anus, passing a bad verdict from a false police summon. Let me imagine someone I don't like with their stinking anus. Hahahaha, you smile; don't you? You should not stop before I finish telling you the story about shit. Are you satisfied with their stomach carrying shit? I don't mean yours; we take for granted that you should be with yours; otherwise, you would have cut off your smelly-shitty stomach away. Some people carry more shit, so we say that "they are full of shit". I know some carry more shit than others, like you lifting up your nose. You carry a little bit of shit than me, and you walk with a stinky anus too! If you doubt me, put your finger into your anus anytime of the day and tell me how it smells. If someone told you that I have not done anything good with my life, well tell them I discovered that they walk with stinky anuses! You should not forget to name me as the discoverer of the year!
I knew a very skinny friend who could shit more than his head. I knew that because when we were using the pit latrine (white singlet in the picture above), it will drop inside as if it was a coconut falling off its tree. It was during Long Break when every pupil went to the latrine. His was always falling louder than I could imagine. That is how the shit from each of us reacts. Some of us have shit that sounds louder each time it falls down. Others’ shit does not sound that loud. It does not do so because it is very soft. However, I knew the guy sitting by me. His was dysentery, so it was throttling like a bad motorcycle trying to start, “praapprhhhhpaa!” We can call that #8. I turned and looked at him, but he had to take care of business, so he did not even mind me.
One time when I was traveling, I stopped at the Chicago O’Hare Airport.  I went to use the restroom, and there was a guy inside the other restroom. He was farting and shitting simultaneously. I could hear it very well in my little room too because it was like a turntable player that got stuck. I hit his wall and pled with him to take it easy. He was furious and screamed back at me, " mind your fucking business!"You see, some people’s shit sounds like music. That is just because I did not make it a big deal since I knew that I was doing the same thing he was doing.
Therefore, now that you know that you carry shit in your stomach like everyone else, could you please treat people right, knowing that although you are privileged, you are not better than them? You shit, and it stinks too! You carry shit with you everywhere you go. You carry it to the Court, to school, to movie theaters, to the mansions, to clubs, to stadiums and to the White House. Even when you are telling others that they are full of shit, you are full of shit yourself. I mean you are standing or sitting there with shit in your stomach. You carry it to work and carry it at home. You are a shit carrier. Well, don’t be angry, I do too! That is the sort God has given us all. We are full of shit. Go tell your neighbors and later your friends and family that we all are full of shit. 
Until then, do not forget that you carry shit in your stomach like every other person.

St Arrey of Ntenako.
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“Bonyfish beware because the same net that caught the jawless fish, caught the cartilaginous fish” (Hamilton Ayuk). Beware earthly paradise seekers because there is a serpent in every paradise"(Hamilton Ayuk). "It is not how well you know a person; it is how well you treat them that they will live longer and happier with you." Idle people write, idler people read, and idlest people read and whine that idle people are taking their time (Hamilton Ayuk).

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