Sunday, May 24, 2009

Dr Empty Mop

At the hospital
Doctor: hello Kpanfiri, how are you. My name is Empty Mop. I will be your doctor as from today.

thank you doctor. You look a nice person. I really like the way you are confident. Do you think I gonna get well?

Sure, looking at you, you can make it. You will get well soon. Just stay put; do not move. Open your eyes, take off your shirt. Turn your back. You have a scar behind your back. When did that happen?

Kpanfiri: Oh well when I was a little kid, I was playing with my sister and she mistakenly stabbed me on my back.

Doctor: was your sister a demon? Is she still mean to you? By the way how did you react?

Kpanfiri: Yeah yeah yeah, she was when we were kids though. But now she is married. When she was getting married I was sorry for the boyfriend. I told him he was going to die before his time.

Doctor: Is he dead yet?

Kpanfiri: Well you asked me before how I reacted. Well I just cried and left it like that. Oh my brother in-law is still alive and they are happily married. Surprise, Surprise!

Doctor: Yes, you did the right thing. Well stand on this machine. Well let us do this first. Take this cup, go to the restroom, piss inside this cup and then shit and bring some to me.

Kpanfiri leaves and comes back with two cups all of them filled to the brim.

Doctor: go drop it on that window.

Kpanfiri: Thank you.

Doctor: Ok now take off your short. Lean on this machine, stop breathing and look straight. Do you see that woman there in front of you? Just look at her eyes. Great, Sit over there and wait for me I will be back.

Kpanfiri goes to the waiting room. Two hours later a nurse calls him back into the doctor’s room

Kpanfiri: Hey doctor, good news?

Doctor: Mr. Kpanfiri, your case is bad. Your lungs are rotten because of smoking. Too much alcohol is ruining your bronchioles and nerves. Even your liver has been affected. There is a nerve behind your back that is dead. You also have serious hemorrhoids.

Kpanfiri: yes, I like to eat garri and meat only. How bad is that?

Doctor: don’t you see that your anus is almost falling out. Anyway, it was nice knowing you and being your doctor. Go home and rest in peace.

Kpanfiri: doctor, no medicine no prescription?

Doctor: I do not prescribe anything to anybody. I am only specialized in diagnostics.

Kpanfiri: what type of quack doctor are you? If you knew you do not prescribe why tell me all these sicknesses. Now you have made me to be afraid. I will have to talk to the board. Where did you get your license? Always diagnostics but no solutions!

Doctor: go get loss mbut man. Did you see a signboard that Kpanfiri come to Doctor Adiburoja for consultation? I just told you my specialty is diagnostics and you are hitting your head on the wall. Go get loss elsewhere. Na me I give you sickness look at my problems. Next
A new patient is ushered in as Kpanfiri is booted out.

Lesson: This play is reminiscent of the many people who always make proper diagnostics but never prescribing anything; they raise the problem but do not propose solutions. That is the zenith of hopelessness.

“No matter how a rat becomes the house pet, if it is sleeping beside the bag of groundnuts the owner may not have much sleep. ” (Hamilton Ayuk)."If a goat runs from the owner’s leash it will be tied by the council in a market square" Hamilton Ayuk).

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